Chapter Fifteen--Trial Separation & The Best Interests Of The Kids

This is among the most difficult chapters I've composed in this blog.

Russell and I are no longer together.

I'm hoping and praying that this is just temporary, because it just doesn't feel right to me.

Funny thing...

Just a little over a year ago, I didn't even know that Russell existed--and, even this time a year ago when I knew what a treasure I'd found in my new friend who shared a dream with me of rescuing people who were falling through the cracks of society, I never knew how intricately he would be embroidered to my heart by now and how my heart would rip as he yanked out the stitches.

He neither wants me to be a part of Invisible Youth Network nor his life at this time.

I'm afraid I can't grant him those wishes.

Yes, I can grant him space and not intrude upon it, but a piece of my heart will always be left behind there to love him.

And, when it comes to Invisible Youth Network, he can make it so I not only will no longer be a part of his staff of volunteers but he can also ban me (which he has) from any online community groups representing it over which he has control.

However, I'll have to be dragged kicking and screaming out of supporting IYN from the sidelines. I'm still going to plug IYN in any way that I can.

Who knows if he will accept any more donations from me in the way of those things he'd like to have sent to him to distribute to the kids? I don't have that kind of money to send a TLC package and have any chance of having it tossed, unopened, down the garbage chute in his apartment building.

But, with the combination of weather keeping me in and limited funds, I'm not active in that way right now anyway.

One thing I will do, though is to keep encouraging others to send things his way. I'm just one person and can only send so much, and I have other people that I help out, too.

And I'll keep writing about IYN and the young people who need our services.

Writing and blogging are my main talents in all of this.

I'll also encourage people to shop from merchants (both online and off) who give a portion of their earnings to IYN--and this will be what the next chapter of this blog will be about, so stay tuned.

I've always said that, no matter what, I would separate the best interest of our kids from whatever happened between Russell and me.

Even before I fell in love with Russell, I cared.

Even if Russell and I never speak to each other again, I'll still care.

It will take me a very long time to fall out of love with Russell, and I have a feeling that I'll go to my grave still in love with him, even if I live to be 100.

That's not necessarily a bad or sad thing.

I refuse to "settle" just so that others might feel better in knowing that I have that special man in my life and won't be lonely anymore.

Believe me, I would be a lot less lonely remaining single than pretending to be over somebody and going on with my life with somebody else.

Sometimes, it's enough to have been loved for a season and to carry those memories with me for the rest of my earthly life.

Sometimes, it has to be enough just to love that one special person because it feels so right to, even if that person no longer loves me back.

Perhaps, the time will come when I find that person who will make Russell pale in comparison. Perhaps, I'll, again, be pulled up to the drive-up window of my bank, and the teller will see in the glow on my face that something very special is going on, and I'll exclaim to her, "Yes! I'm in love, and his name is __________!"

By then, my hair might be white and my skin transparent, but it could very well happen.

It could even happen this year...but it's not likely...

But then, again, when autumn returns to Indiana, I could be at the station in Beverly Shores, and one of the South Bend South Shore Line interurbans might pull into the station, and I would run to the handsome older man getting off the train with a big, floppy-eared stuffed dog in his arms and we would all embrace before driving to watch the sunset over Lake Michigan.

Or a similar scenario might take place down in Indianapolis with Amtrak.

I still hold out hope of something like this taking place.

For now, though, what matters most of all is what's in the best interest of our kids.

For now and for so long as I'm on this side of life, I'm a virtual homemaker!

Just knowing what kind of a life that Russell has led makes me at least halfway understand why he will get close and, then, put up a wall--not even stopping there, but, also, hurling insults and placing blame from behind that wall.

When Russell gets overworked, he's much more likely to lash out like this, because he's been worn down.

The reason that he gets so overworked is that he's racing against time to help every single young person who is going through some sort of difficulty--for the simple reason that he knows, firsthand, the pain of living this way.

In his way of thinking, he isn't even doing a fraction of enough--and he'll lash out at others (such as myself other volunteers) when we seem to be "wasting our time" with "bullshit" and "chit-chat."

Overall, he just can't seem to understand that he's the one getting in the way of our mission when he starts getting one of his attitudes and driving away willing volunteers.

I've smoothed things over for him time and time again in the way of getting volunteers to understand just how very personal this is for him!

Russell and I are like two parts of a locket. One of our volunteers described the two of us as being the backbone of IYN and, during those times when Russell kicks me out of the organization, things just aren't the same.

And Russell has a lot of administrative and business skills that I don't have, so a lot of things would fall apart without him in the picture at this time--though we're both trying to delegate some of our responsibilities to others.

But this is definitely the time for him and me to draw together instead of rip apart.

Yet, I can't do that if he won't let it happen.

But I can still continue using my own strengths to keep the dream building and coming true in more and broader ways.

So, this is what I'll do.

Before I close, I want to share some music videos with you that remind me of us.

The first one is the very first song that ever reminded me of Russell. The last song expresses the way I feel now. And the other songs in-between fill in more of the fabric of our lives...

It Takes Two

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9OsMFvE_Xc

Making Our Dreams Come True

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8BqNGns3E4


Me & You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPwH6Fkd-90


Til The End

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAvJ2MfnZo4

Chapter Sixteen

"When The Going Gets Tough,
The Tough Go Shopping!"